Stuperheroes

While Clever Girl Assassin bounces on her bed with wanton anticipation, Spaced Girl Hero meanders up onto the roof to contemplate the meaning of life...and Travis Fimmel’s thighs…


"Life's a bitch and then you die so fuck the world and let's get high." She mumbles to herself as she daydreams about frolicking naked on the beach with the stuper-luscious Travis.


Obviously he sent that invitation on my account, she thinks to herself. I mean, it’s not like he couldn't have bought that Ferrari on his own after all those Calvin Klein ads.

“Mmmmmmm….Travis… in underwear…on a billboard… fifty feet tall…nummy…” She moans, tipping her head back and drooling a bit, kinda like Homer Simpson with a donut. Coming back to herself, she resumes her mental wanderings.


Clearly he is mesmerized by my eyes of night and untamed sensuality. Poor Clever Girl, she'll be so disappointed; but alas, such is life.


(Upbeat Stuperhero music plays)

Meanwhile, at the Penthouse of Objectification...


"He is magnificent Agent Stroker. So real...so hard..." Howard remarks as he runs his finger over the warm, oh-so-life-like, tanned, supple flesh of the Travis Boy-droid's muscular chest. "He is perfect. A masterpiece." His finger continues down to the Boy-droid's stomach, stopping just before touching his sizeable manhood.


Howard sighs as he walks to his heart shaped bed and settles onto the pink satin sheets, glancing at his reflection staring down from the ceiling above. He beckons to the skanky blond slave standing in the corner, waiting to fulfill his every twisted desire. The blond approaches the bed, putting a leather dog collar around Howard's neck and attaching a leash. Commanding Master Stern to drop to all fours the slave then proceeds to pour pickle juice all over his pasty, gnarly body. Picking up a large dill pickle the slave begins to smack him with it.


SLAP, SLAP, SLAP

The rhythmic, nauseating sound of the pickle hitting his pale, pimpled ass echoes through the penthouse.


"But are we sure that they will be fooled by the Boy-droid?" Agent Stroker inquires.


"They won't stop long enough to consider otherwise." Howard assures him. "No man-I mean woman, can resist Travis Fimmel. No, they will be under our control by the stroke of midnight, as long as you don't muck it all up. The Spatula of Discipline is ready for them." He gestures towards a glass case containing a large pink rubber spatula. "Be sure everything else is ready for the expo. Alert me when they have arrived."


"Slave, where is my prosthesis?"


Will Spaced and Clever Girl be duped by the Boy-droid? Will they kill each other in their rush to be the first to ravish him, making Howard's plans irrelevant? Tune in later for the next the exciting episode of The Secret Weapon.

After closing the Liffey (yet again) our stuperheroes find themselves re-cooping in their renovated fire station, aptly titled The Fortress of Sanity. Unlike the cavernous Penthouse of Objectification, The Fortress of Sanity is a lush paradise playground.


Lounging on a plush pink chaise, in her strawberry shortcake jammies, Clever Girl sips ever so contently on a mimosa. Spaced Girl, having just dumped half a gallon of bubble bath into the hot tub, is now almost completely submerged in bubbles.


"What the fuck Spaced? You trying to hide Benny in there or what?" Clever Girl asks with exasperation, snickering to herself.


"Fuckin' 'ell, you two are a riot. You know I can't be completely submerged." Benny replies as he hops into the room.


"Girl, you know I wanna look good for the Travis Fimmel expo tonight." Spaced says as she whips a leg up on the side of the hot tub spilling copious amounts of bubbles onto the already saturated floor.


"Goddess, I need a pedicure. I have just let myself go... being stuck on that out cropping so long." She remarks as the sarcasm drips from her words like the soapy bubbles drip from her naked body. As she emerges from the hot tub she wraps herself into a black silky robe.


"For fuck’s sake, don't tell me you are actually going to go." Benny comments through the thick smoke encircling his bulbous head.


"I for one think we deserve a night off, especially if there's some eye candy involved and Travis Fimmel is as good as it gets." Clever Girl pulls off a fuzzy slipper to admire her own hot pink pedicure. "You know I've been his number one fan for like EVER! It's about damn time I get some recognition for all that fan mail."



Benny gives a twist of his pearls…


"ZzzzzzzzzzziiiiPPPPPP"

…then quips, "Who’d a thunk a Ferrari 360 could be classified as fan mail."


"Don't forget the leather chaps you crammed in the glove box." Spaced says settling in with a Kalua and coffee.



"Ohhhhh YES!" Clever Girl exclaims as she runs her hands up and down her body, "just thinking of him in his chaps.... eeeeeeehhhhhh…" She squeals, running from the room to return moments later with a pair of pink fuzzy handcuffs. "I can't wait." She says bouncing up and down with anticipation, her breasts bouncing right along with her.

As Spaced is spanking Agent Dick Stroker with her Cat O Nine Tails, Clever Girl Assassin chases a vile Man-boy who is attempting to escape....



Grabbing the man-boy just as he reaches the door Clever Girl Assassin yanks him back inside, pulling him close to her breasts.


“So pathetic, so, so sad and pathetic,” she purrs into his ear as she presses his head into her heaving bosom slowly suffocating him. Fainting from lack of O2…


“What!” Clever Girl looks annoyingly to the Author…

Who at this moment is hovering inches above the stuperfriends table trying desperately to avoid the groping ears of an overly pickled and smoked Benny.


“It’s not lack of oxygen that got him! It’s the snoozafier…. here, see…” She says leaning forward revealing a tiny spray nozzle peaking out between her supple... “It’s hooked into my Gadgo-Bra… Cool huh?” Chirps Clever Girl. Not really caring to hear the answer she leaves the man-boy lying in a clump near the door and returns to the table where Spaced is once again arguing with Benny over the price of grass in Amsterdam.


“What happened to Agent Stroker?” Clever Girl asks, glancing around the pub.


Startled, Spaced looks up. “Shit, I don’t know, last thing I remember was Benny rolling this nice fat bifter…”


“You’re hopeless woman!” Clever Girl sits down to a fresh pint of Guinness, not too worried about the bumbling Agent Stroker’s escape, there are more important matters that needed attending to.


"You just can't stand to see anyone else take center stage can you? I have to admit that it was your narcissistic ass that made me like you in the first place." Clever Girl remarks grudgingly.


"Bitch you need to learn to share, just like Angelina Jolie should share." Spaced says with just a slight degree of sarcasm. "I tell you what, you stop whining over missing that shoe sale last year and I'll let you have a minute or two on center stage all by yourself, deal?"


"Well, all I know is, there’s a shoe sale tomorrow and I don't care if Bush does send this country to hell before then, I'm not missing it." Once again Clever Girl is completely sidetracked at the mention of shoes.


Slowly sipping foam from the head of the tall dark one she thinks long and hard... what to wear with that Gucci bag?


MEANWHILE, IN HOWARD STERN'S LAIR...


(Cheesy 70's porn music plays in background)

A panting and disheveled Agent Stroker stumbles into Howard Stern's Penthouse of Objectification. Master Stern is bent over a chair where he is being spanked by a skanky blond wielding a large sausage.


"I assume Agent Stroker that your mission failed." Howard remarks with disgust as the skanky blond handcuffs him to the bedpost.


"Yes sir." Agent Stroker replies shamefully.


"You are an idiot Stroker. The fact that you keep allowing these women to best you sickens me. No more sausage," he instructs the skanky blond. "Fetch the cottage cheese."


Agent Stroker squirms with great discomfort as he knows of Master Stern's many strange fetishes. He fervently hopes that he will be dismissed before Howard requests the Icy/Hot and a waffle iron.


"No matter, you are momentarily relieved of duty. You leave me no other option. I must resort to our secret weapon if these girls are to ever be tamed. You are obviously incompetent to accomplish such a task."


Agent Stroker gasps. "Not the Secret Weapon! Surely things can't be that dire!"


"Yes, it is time we taught these girls a lesson. Prepare the Secret Weapon immediately."


"Yes Master Stern, as you wish." Agent Stroker replies reluctantly and slinks off to perform for his Master like a well-trained monkey.


"How about that Icy/Hot?" He asks the skanky blond.


"Right here Master, do you wish me to fetch the waffle iron as well?"


"Of course, slave, and hurry." As his slave rushes to do his bidding Howard chuckles to himself. He can't wait to order Spaced and Clever Girl to fulfill his every sick, food related fantasy. He might even bring out the eggs and corned beef hash for such a special occasion. He could not possibly fail once Stroker released his Secret Weapon.


What is Howard Stern's 'Secret Weapon?' Will our heroines survive this next attack? Will Simon Delivers cut Howard from their route? Tune in next time for the exciting adventures of Spaced Girl Hero and Clever Girl Assassin.

Revenge of the Dick...Continued...

We last left our stuper gals at the Liffey, embroiled in a Mexican stand-off between good and evil. Clever Girl has just stolen the show when Spaced Girl Hero busts in...


"EASY KILLER!!!" Spaced shouts to Clever Girl who is eagerly choosing which man she wishes to paddle first.


"Don't forget that there are two of us here you glory hound." She remarks with great disgust, pushing Clever Girl aside with her own large, gravity defying, heaving, rounded ivory flesh breasts. With a slight movement of her hands she wields both her faithful leather whip as well as her brand spanking new Cat 'O Nine Tails.


"Quit your whining and make yourself useful." Clever Girl snaps at her partner in crime-fighting as she tosses a Man-boy over her knees and paddles him mercilessly with her PADDLE O JUSTICE!


Spaced replies by rolling her eyes with great drama--


“I saw that you whore!”


Excuse me!! ::the Author interjects sternly:: Do you mind? I’m working here! As I was saying…


Rolling her eyes again, Spaced cracks her whip and Agent Stroker’s semi-automatic Testosterone Gun falls to the floor with a large clatter.


“Is that you Santa?” Benny slurs, his eyes blood shot from the bifters and pint after pint of the Black Stuff.


Terror fills Agent Stroker as he realizes that he is helpless without his testosterone and he desperately searches for an escape route. With practiced ease, Spaced picks up a chair, throws it at him, and knocks him down onto his knees. Straddling him she lashes him with her Cat O Nine Tails as he begs for mercy.


Meanwhile, Clever Girl spies a Man-boy escaping the bar and she pursues him in order to inflict upon him the punishment she knows he must deserve...

Spaced Girl Hero--Stuperhero Extraordinaire

My Alter Ego

When I’m not fighting crime and punishing naughty evil-doers, I am Raven Ridesemraw, Witch. I spend most of my days in my secret Attic Lair located in the tallest tower of the Fortress of Sanity, casting spells, concocting potions, and formulating wicked curses to use against those who owe a Karmic Debt to the Universe. In between rituals to the Dark Goddess Kali and supplications to Quan Yin, the Goddess of Mercy and Compassion, I am usually engrossed in one of my books on Witchcraft and Magic. But when the Bitch Light shines I am Spaced Girl Hero Stuperhero Extraordinaire. Dressed in black leather pants and my stuper sexy silk tank top with my trusty whip at my side I’m ready to tame wild and unruly Man-boys and keep Howard Stern from spreading his insidious brand of misogyny all over the earth.

How I met Clever Girl

During a stint in the Looney Bin, I was trapped in a cage like room sporting one of those fashionable jackets with the sleeves in the back—purple, after all being insane is no excuse for poor fashion sense. Using my lithe yoga-toned body I slipped out of the straight jacket and went to the door. Hearing no one on the other side I pulled out a bobby pin from my long black tresses and picked the lock. I ran frantically for the exit and when I turned to look behind me there was an earth shattering crash and a blinding flash of light as I collided with Brigitte Bleuballer, rocket scientist, who was fleeing from a vile man-woman with a lust for power. Our stupendous stuperpowers were activated in that moment and we’ve been fighting crime and punishing evil doer’s together every since.

What About Benny

As we ran together towards freedom we heard a doctor’s voice in the hall, “Well, Benny, I don’t know what to tell you. It seems that you’re not depressed at all, you’re just British.” Seeing his rotating head and vibrating ears, we couldn’t resist and rescued him on our way out. Now he is our number one adoring fan and our bifter smoking British sidekick, not to mention Captain Jack’s arch nemesis.


Ravs and Favs


Book: 100 and 1 Ways to Tease Your Lover

Food: A Brad and Orlando Sandwich

Music: Metal/Alternative

Bands: The Dead Milkmen, Flogging Molly, Incubus, Disturbed, the Violent Femmes, System of a Down

Weapon: My trusty black leather whip

TV: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Weakness: Bright, shiny things

Movie: Kill Bill

Insult: Wanker, You’re some can of piss.

Sexual Position: Doggy Style



Fetishes

Whips

Chains

Whipped cream

Boy-toys

Anything that vibrates